I am slowly, but surely, continuing my journey through One Thousand Gifts – and a journey it has been. In the midst of life and a busy summer, I have been making slow progress. I want to really think through what I’m reading, with both my heart and mind. Because of that, I’ve been reading small portions at a time, hand clutching pen and fear clutching heart. Why fear, you may ask? I believe in some measure, we are all afraid of change. There is a sense of comfort in the known, even if the known isn’t what we would like it to be. Do I want to remain the young woman I am, with faulty heart and unseeing eyes? No, I do not. Do I conduct myself as if I am avoiding change? At times, yes.
I am a control freak. Not in the sense that I must control what occurs, but I want to know. Oh, how I love knowing things. I am afraid. I am afraid to trust my unknown future, whether the next moment or the next decade, to my known Father. I doubt His goodness, doubt His faithfulness. Even though I may profess otherwise, my shaky trust illustrates just how deep my fear runs. Sometimes, this fear is paralyzing. It causes me to tighten, to clench, to withdraw into the fetal position rather than approaching life from an open and vulnerable position. And yet, while I shut everything out, I crave a joy-filled life. A closed vessel can receive very little. “The full life, the one spilling joy and peace, happens only as I come to trust the caress of the Lover, Lover who never burdens His children with shame or self-condemnation but keeps stroking the fears with gentle grace” (Voskamp 146).
How do I change? How do I approach life, trusting? Trust cannot be stagnant – it must be a daily choice. It must be verb-ed, not noun-ed. That’s all well and good. I can keep that knowledge tucked away, but it will do me absolutely no good unless I know a way to practically use it. How can I translate this truth into a functioning aspect of my work-in-progress life? The truth is, it will take work. Is it worth it? I find myself reaching the same realization Ann did in One Thousand Gifts – “the realization that trusting God is my most urgent need. If I deep trusted God in all the facets of my life, wouldn’t that deep heal my anxiety, my self-condemnation, my soul holes?” (Voskamp 149). By sacrificing trust, I sacrifice joy. By sacrificing trust, I sacrifice wholeness.
Eucharisteo (refer to link at end of post for full explanation ), giving “thanks, is what builds trust.” By counting blessings, we see God’s goodness. We can “count blessings and discover Who can be counted on.” What about the moments when blessings are hard to find? When hope feels like a fairytale and loneliness is a dear friend? We remember. Jean Baptiste Massieu says that “gratitude is the memory of the heart.” In gratitude, we store up remembrances. It is here, in remembrance, that I am impacted by God’s character, by His trustworthiness. “In memory, the shape of God’s yesterday-heart emerges and assures of God’s now-heart and reassures of His sure beat tomorrow.” If you are human, many of your earthly memories may not lend themselves well to inspiring hope or trust. Instead, they inspire pain, hurt, guilt, fear, anxiety, and loads and loads of scar tissue. May I broaden your remembering? Refer back to a few thousand years ago? It is in this particular remembering, this gratitude, that we fully meet our evidence for Trust. Our Father, in order to have a relationship with us, gave all. He took all pain, all hurt. If that hasn’t earned our trust for Our Father, what possibly could?
It in is this remembrance, this gratitude, this memory of the heart, in which we can rest. And come to this realization and promise:
“It is safe to trust.”
-Excerpts from One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp.
-Reference link for “eucharisteo”:
http://justbreatheblog.com/2012/12/22/learning-to-live-in-eucharisteo/
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